Two Lines in Every Coffee House

Memo: Two coffee lines in every coffee house. The first line is for straight-up, black coffee drinkers — no room for cream, just black coffee, that’s my crew. The second is for non-coffee drinkers — for the syrup-ladened, whip-topped, sugar-fixed drinkers, the baristas having to execute at least 12 wrist-twists and several Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu chops, impossible to execute in less than four minutes and 37 seconds for even the most skilled baristas in the history of humanity. Without two lines, the coffee drinkers and baristas are punished, since baristas know there are traditional coffee drinkers buried somewhere in that line. You can cut the tension with a knife.

Two lines would make America more efficient, and we would be that much more ahead of North Korea’s military industrial complex. Until this happens, totalitarianism gains a little on our Democratic-Republic, and coffee drinkers are forced to suffer the fourth position in line, un-caffeinated (muttering to themselves with forced smiles, “the horror… the horror…”), waiting at least 18 minutes for the non-coffee drinker orders to be filled. This is not the fault of the baristas. It’s just a matter of managers making appropriate adjustments, and creating two coffee lines. Send this memo up to the top coffee brass. That’s all. Carry on.


One response to “Two Lines in Every Coffee House

  • Coffee Science in Fargo « The Edge of the Village

    […] Subjective data: at 151° F, I was able to sip the coffee immediately (no need to let it cool). This immediacy was important since it is necessary to intersperse coffee sips with apple fritterer bites upon the ceremonious opening of the pastry bag. Before getting my coffee, I only had to stand in line for approximately 13 minutes while waiting for the two patrons ahead of me to order some kind of double soy latte decaf with a re-caffeinated infusion loaded with Italian syrup and topped with whipped cream (this will eventually contribute to the downfall of the West to North Korea, a running hypothesis of mine here). […]

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